askwendi.com - Friendship vs. Flirting (Issue 123)

Friendship vs. Flirting (Issue 123)

by Wendi Kaiser

Friendship vs. Flirting

Dear Wendi,

Now that I have let the Lord reroute my life and my choices when it comes to romantic relationships, I have been wondering if there are any changes that I need to be making in terms of my male friends. Many of my friends are men.

I have begun to check myself in their presence to make sure that I am not leading any of them into anything beyond pure friendship. This includes considering the way I dress, the things I talk about, and the amount of my inner self that I share verbally with them that would cloud their thinking in any way. I guess I could use some advice on what kind of guidelines I could set for myself that would help me in pursuing pure relationships with male friends.

What is too much said? Should I limit myself from spending one-on-one time with them? This has been a difficult thing to conceive of since most of my closest friends are male. But I want all of my relationships to glorify God, and I need some help in understanding what is too far, as opposed to what is good and pure in God 's eyes. Thanks so much!

Karen

Dear Karen,

You 're obviously concerned to honor both God and your friends;thank you for that excellent example. Friendship with the opposite sex is possible but difficult without sexualizing or romanticizing. To me, asking yourself whether or not you 're "flirting " with your male acquaintances can cover many of the issues you raise, including dress and conversation.

The Webster 's Dictionary definition of flirt is "to behave amorously without serious intent. " Habitual flirting with men is "too far " for a serious Christian woman. Are you a flirtatious person, and if so, are you willing to become aware of this misleading behavior and change? Probably you need to ask someone you can trust to tell you the truth in this area, not necessarily your "best " friend who may want to spare your feelings. Ask someone who is blatantly honest with no axe to grind! (It is kind of like asking a friend if you are fat �potentially explosive! ) Many young ladies flirt without even being aware of it. Often we have this special "man-enticing " voice and our body language changes when in the presence of men. I have observed this phenomenon among ladies. Self-awareness and motivation checking are necessary in combating a flirting habit, but it sounds like you are alert and already addressing potential problem areas in your relationships.

Flirting can cause a world of misunderstandings between the sexes. Flirting sends the wrong messages. On the one end, flirting may send the message that you are a commodity to be acquired or are available for recreational "play. " Are you a player? Do you view male/female encounters as a game to win? You should not use flirting to get help at work or for personal gain. Do not act like the car rental agencies that advertise by putting a curvaceous model on the hood of a car. Just leaf through magazines such as Sports Illustrated or Outdoor Life and you will see scantily clad women flirtatiously posed in everything from fishing lure ads to golf club ads. Sports Illustrated has dedicated the entire swimsuit issue to "visual flirting " to boost magazine subscriptions. Are you a commodity? No. If you need help with a project or some mundane task, ask nicely and assertively. Don 't hint or whine either. Just come out with your request politely and reasonably.

Stand against using sexual images and teases used in the media and in advertisements. On the other end of the spectrum, flirting can send a signal that you are romantically serious about someone when you are not. For example, there is a nice young man at work who is misreading your friendly, flirtatious antics as serious romantic overtures. If you are not romantically interested in a person you should not mislead them. If you are interested in a person then honestly cultivate their friendship without sexual teasing or come-ons.

When it comes to modest dress, I say, "Here! Here! " But modesty is neither repression of your personality nor rejecting all stylish trends. Some religious groups view women as intrinsically suspect and the female body as the cause of lustful male thoughts and actions. Their answer is to completely cover the female body and socially and publicly isolate women.

This reminds me of something that happened in my teen years. In the small southern town where I grew up, a young man was killed in an automobile accident one night after a dance. He was very intoxicated and ran into a large oak tree. His friends cut the tree down in anger. They should have expended their energies in starting a designated driver program among their friends for local parties and dances. The problem was driving while under the influence of alcohol, not oak trees. God made the female body and declared it good. Both women and men are made in God 's image. The problem is some people have not learned self-control and purity.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God 's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. (Eph. 5: 1-4 NIV )

Modesty means dressing, acting, and speaking in a manner that respects yourself and others. Moderation is a good habit to cultivate in all areas of your life. Dressing appropriately for the event and season is always in good taste. You should also consider your body type. If you are a full-bosomed lady, then low-cut dresses and blouses could be inappropriate. One size does not fit all when it comes to modesty. If you have questions about your outfit, ask another modest woman for her opinion. Remember modesty and discretion go hand in hand in speech and actions.

Another area that I suggest you work on is developing quality relationships with your own sex. Often as women, we view other women as the "competition" by comparing our weight, looks, talents, and brains, etc., and in vying for attention. This competitive attitude can stem from personal insecurity and disliking yourself even to the point of self-hatred, or it could just be leftover worldly habit. Do you like yourself? Are you reasonably secure in God 's love and in others ' love for you?

Friendship comes in different varieties and levels. For example, you have your family-ties friendships; spiritual foxhole buddies/ stretcher-bearer friendships; childhood friendships; common interest friendships (such as music, sewing, bird-watching, etc. companions); your trustworthy friends that "you can tell her/him anything without fear of hearing it repeated Monday Morning at school or work"; workplace/school-associate friends; and casual, bumping into you on the street, "how are you?�fine�let's do something together soon" acquaintances. Draw a circle, label it with your name, then draw concentric circles around the self-circle, and make an illustrative graphic of the different levels of intimacies and types of friendships in your life.

Some friends may fit into several circles. You may even include one or two friends in your inner-self circle. But do not do this lightly. It is a good idea to find foxhole/stretcher-bearer friends. A story in Mark 's Gospel illustrates this kind of friendship. "Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, �Son, your sins are forgiven'" (Mark 2: 3-5 NIV ). These friends were willing to go the distance for their friend, to overcome obstacles and protests to bring their friend to Jesus. They were problem solvers and willing to risk public opinion and displeasure for their friend 's well-being. We all need those kinds of friends. Interestingly, the paralyzed man 's main problem was spiritual and not physical! How true it is that we often see only the outward, obvious problem, but Jesus is trying to heal the deeper, hidden spiritual problem!

I recommend Robert McGee 's insightful book Search for Significance, Elisabeth Elliot 's classic book Passion and Purity, Dr. Ray E. Short 's wonderful, practical paperback Sex, Love or Infatuation: How Can I Really Know? and The Bride Wore White by Dannah Gresh as good reading resource materials. Write back if anything I have said strikes a chord in your heart, and God 's blessings as you continue in a life of holy adventure and love!

We invite our readers to email Wendi their questions at askwendi@cornerstonemag.com or write her at Ask Wendi, c/o Cornerstone, 939 W. Wilson Ave., Chicago, IL 60640. Visit the AskWendi.com website for more letters and articles by and to Wendi.

-06/11/02