Love, Sex or Infatuation; How can I find "True Love"

by Wendi

Love is a very puzzling (concept) word to understand. You say, " I just love deep dish pizza" and few moments later say "I love my boyfriend" (or), I love my parents" or "I love God". It is that same little word, love, you are using but wait (yet), is it that same little word, love? Certainly, we have very different feelings toward pizza than we do for our girlfriend or boyfriend.

Ok, so I should have said I like pizza very much but I regularly use the word love to stress my strong preference and desire for this particular food group! We all do this daily without giving it a second thought. Again, your love for your parents is very distinct from the heart-throbbing emotions you have for a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Our love (feelings) for God is yet a totally different thing from any of those already mentioned. It is very confusing and difficult to explain.

There are no university's that offer educational degrees in "Love" and yet it is the most important force on earth and will, in fact, be left standing when this present world ceases to exist. ( I Cor. 13:8-13) As a people we are obsessed with this idea of love but still we do not seem to get it right. Just what exactly is love. Perhaps, I can help you understand what love is. There are at least six basic things we mean when we use the word love. In the Greek language there are different words for each of these categories of love.

In the English language we use the single word love for all the different kinds of affections and expect people to determine what we mean from the sense of the sentence. No wonder we become confused! Let's look at the different meanings and ways in which we commonly use the word love.

1. Strong preferences or desires - This love is used in connection with actions, activities, hobbies, material things and even abstract ideas to set it apart from and over other actions, things and ideas as our strong preference or desire. It is not relational. It is the superlative form of like. (I just love deep dish pizza.) For example, it is similar to the Sears style of separating (labeling) the quality of their products into good, better, and best categories. Love used in this sense means best choice or highest personal preference.

2. Sexual desires - Many men can enjoy sexual activities with an acquaintance, even a total stranger or on a casual recreational basis without commitment or friendship. This type of love would be termed lust or lasciviousness in the Biblical sense. Most women are not attracted by this type of love or are only now being introduced to it by the media. The media world considers the female population as a largely untapped consumer group who needs to develop a taste for recreational sex and visual lust. If you ask the average young man what are his expectations after three or more dates he will probably answer sexual favors. We commonly write, sing and say, "Let's make love". Sexual activity and particularly sexual intercourse are synonymous with the term " making love".

Also, keep in mind, many men talk "love" as a means to having sex. Usually, women see sex as a natural expression of love and commitment. For example, Jeff whispers, "I love you so much, Susie. I want to show you how much. Let me make love to you." Susie thinks, " I would never have sex with a guy unless I really loved him and was committed to him. Jeff wants to have sex with me so he must really love me and be committed to our relationship. Right?" Unfortunately, very wrong Susie! Jeff probably is in the grips of strong sexual desires and wants immediate gratification. Do not confuse sexual desire or even romantic infatuation with mature love. Sex is never an emergency! True Love does wait, Susie!! Jeff is responsible to learn self-control sexually and the sooner he does the better off he will be!

3. Physical, emotional attraction - This is what we commonly call "puppy love" or a crush when we are young and romantic love when we are older. This kind of love is the sort which shows up in romance movies, television programs and books as "the boy sees girl across the room and falls in love instantly" or "our hands touched and it was magic" or " the first time I saw him I just knew!" scenario. Of course, what you really knew was what you could see, touch, smell, hear and taste. You are "twitter-pated". Most of us have experienced this kind of love. It happens quickly and usually ends quickly and you are on to the next boyfriend or girlfriend. But oh boy, what a time you had while it lasted! I will be calling this kind of love, romantic infatuation during this seminar. Many people never progress beyond romantic infatuation in their relationships. If you marry while only infatuated your chances of showing up in divorce court are very high.

4. Friendship love - This kind of love is based on more than just the five senses and the lovers have many things in common. It begins more slowly and has a strong loyalty factor. It can last a lifetime but often lacks that mysterious quality found in romance. Friendship love can grow more easily into mature love though and is a very strong contributing factor in happy marriages. I consider friendship love indispensable for happy marriages and it may very well be the only one of the lot that could single-handedly sustain a marriage. Friendship between the sexes though, takes a lot of effort and time. Good communication skills are required and mutual interests with complementing personalities are a huge plus.

5. Family ties - The old saying goes "blood is thicker than water" and it is true. No matter how wonderful or awful your family is, you are tied to them by strong loyalty, affection and commitment. It takes a lot to break apart this kind of love. Even children with physically and emotionally abusive parents would rather be with them than in another safer environment without their parents. Family is an excellent reason to keep a mediocre or even "bad" marriage together. I'm not saying, of course, that a marriage where sexual abuse or physical abuse is occurring is better for the children than separation and even divorce would be in such a situation. But aside from such cases, children are usually happier and better adjusted when their parents stay together. Interestingly, the newest long term studies have found this is true even in very dysfunctional families. The negative aftermath of divorce follows children far into their adulthood and some never recover from divorces' effects.

6. Agape love - The quintessential definition for this kind of love can be found in I Corinthians 13. You realize as you read these verses that this is the ideal love for anyone and all happy marriages and friendships have a large dose of this self-sacrificing love. This is God's love for us, unconditional and eternal. If a relationship is God-centered it can be a powerful threesome. A three ply cord is not easily snapped and survives fraying. You could say it is self-repairing.

A true love relationship will have components of sexual interest, physical attraction, friendship, family loyalty and self-sacrificing love. How can you tell if your current heart stopper is the one and only? This is a secret the human race has been trying to discover since the beginning of time.

But before you start searching for the secret of true love you need to answer the Big 3 Questions of Life.

1. Who are you going to serve?
2. What will be your life's work?
3. Who will you choose as your life's mate?

How you answer these questions will determine your lifestyle, eternal destination and future family. Please keep these 3 questions in your mind at all times as you grow to adulthood. They are more important than an athletic team, music, money, cars, prestige or popularity. They are your future. You are becoming who you will be the rest of your life! In fact most of your core values have already been formed by the time you have reached high school. You need to take a difficult (thorough) and honest look at yourself and ask "Do I admire and like what I see?" If you don't, then make an abrupt stop, find out what is important in life, pursue change and start heading in the right direction.

God created us with the ability to change or repent. You are not stuck for life with your crummy self. You can change with the power of the Holy spirit and a healthy dose of self-discipline.

There was a point during my teen years when I started looking at my life and honestly considering my future in light of my habits and lifestyle. I realized that I was heading for disaster by my reckless living and careless relationships. A teen may be sowing her wild oats and be a party animal but a thirty year old with the same habits and lifestyle will be called a sot, a loser and a slut! Your life is your decision and responsibility. We can not pass the blame onto parents, teachers, church or friends for our bad behavior and habits. We have to accept the responsibility before we can change and receive forgiveness.

I want to share with you some wise advice and 14 practical hints that can help you with the third Big Question, "Who will you marry?" If I ask for a show of hands to this question, "How many of you want to marry some day?" Most of you will raise your hands. In fact, the majority of people do marry sometime during their lives. ( add statistic) If I ask, "How many of you want to have a successful marriage?" most of you will raise your hands again. But will most of you have successful marriages? Let's agree that for a marriage to be considered successful both partners should be satisfied, faithful "until death do us part" and reasonable happy together.

Now, let's consider the cold hard facts. In the USA the divorce rate is over 50% and gaining. (add child/divorce statistic) Let me illustrate this point. Everyone stand up except the back row. This roughly represents how many of you will marry during your lifetime. Now a little over half of you must sit down to represent the nearly 52% who will divorce. (name row marker and ask these folks to sit) We have eliminated the largest proportion of you from experiencing a once in a life time successful marriage. The 48% left standing might think you have it made but we still have to eliminate the nearly 8 % ( check statistic) of you (to represent those) who will separate or desert their marriages without divorcing. ( Have 8% sit down) Does this mean that everyone remaining will have a successful marriage. Unfortunately no. We have to consider the 7 to 8% that remain in unhappy marriages white-knuckling it for the sake of the children, finances, or religious reasons. Take a look around you. Not many of you are left in the successful marriage group. If we subtract all the categories you are left with a less than 1 in 3 chance to have a successful lifetime marriage. In fact many of you will divorce and remarry several times never finding true love! How can you beat the odds and tip the scales in your favor?

Here are my 14 helpful hints to help you distinguish between love, sex or infatuation so you can be reasonably certain that you have found the real thing before you tie the knot!

1. What is the major attraction? In infatuation or romantic love you are dealing with the five senses. You are attracted mainly by that physical spark between you. Your heart jumps and you feel silly and high around your special someone. It is like electricity in the air. There is a strong sexual attraction between you. You feel crazy and can hardly control yourself. In true love many factors attract you besides the physical chemistry. You admire the person's character, enjoy their humor, and are companionable in many areas, religiously, vocationally and emotionally. Many of you will wonder, "Can you build a successful relationship on mostly physical attraction?" Hollywood certainly would like you to believe this. If you saw the movie, Speed you can recall the closing scene between the 2 hero characters. They have just gone through a power packed thriller barely escaping with their lives. As the bus crashes crazily and screeches to a halt, Sandra Bullock asks, "What can we base our relationship on after all this?" Keanu Reeves answers, "I know, sex." Is this realistic or only cinema fantasy? A survey was taken at a major university in Chicago among married students asking about their sex lives. On average each couple only had sex about 2 times weekly and spent only 10 minutes or less in each encounter. Another survey among varying groups of married couples found that most couples had sex only twice weekly also. An interesting finding was that Christian couples had the most active sex lives and spent the longest times in each encounter.

Let's say that you are an exceptional couple and have sex 3 times weekly spending 20 minutes each time. If we do the math you will come up with only 1 hour spent out of 168 hours each week in sexual activity. (Considering actual statistics, the average couple's sex life would be 20 to 40 minutes weekly) If you take into account that you would probably sleep 49 hours weekly ( 7 hours daily) you still are left with 119 hours. You better share more than physical attraction if want your marriage to survive all the lumps and bumps of life. The marriage mostly based on sexual attraction has a life span of 3 to 7 years before failing and the last year or two is very rough before hitting the rocks.

2. How many different things attract you and how many things do you have in common? You should make a list writing all the things that you know about your love interest. Include things like actions, views, looks, goals, philosophies, core values, habits, hobbies, religion, family background, life experiences, characteristics, physical and emotional health, friends, work and leisure activities. Include the negative and the positive things you know about the person. Go through the list and put a check mark by all the things that you really like and underline the things you share in common. Draw a circle around the things you disagree about and/or find unattractive in that person. Be honest, if you only took up biking to please the other person and would quit biking if you broke up then biking would not be a legitimate mutual interest. Interests, etc. that you had in common before the relationship started are likely to last and be pluses or negatives to the relationship. In romantic love you have fewer items on your list and fewer mutual interests, fewer shared ideas and fewer attractors. You just don't know enough about the person and/or do not have enough shared mutual interests to build a long term relationship. This is a definite warning sign indicating romantic infatuation not true love. In true love you will have a lot of information about the person, share many things in common and have several mutual interests. In fact the more positive things you share in common and agree upon the more likely you are building a lasting relationship. It could be the real thing - love!

3. How did the relationship start? Infatuation starts off like a fever, fast and furiously! If infatuation is a feverish furnace then true love is like a cozy warm fire! True love starts slowly and grows over time. In fact time is your best ally when it comes to dividing the infatuations from the true love in your life! The test of time reveals all. The longer the courtship the better chance for a good lasting marriage. Also, remember the way you and your loved one reacts to problems, frustrations and unexpected mishaps can be a good indicator on how you both will react to tough problems in marriage. Cornerstone Festival can be a real crucible with all our unpredictable weather, camping challenges, lack of sleep and different activity options in which to test your reactions and relationship.

4. How consistent are your feelings and your relationship in general? Infatuation doesn't remain consistent. Your feelings bounce back and forth. You love 'em one minute and the next you are fed up and doubtful. If you are infatuated you are probably attracted to only a few things, mostly physical and sensual and hold few common interests. True love's course becomes smoother and more consistent. If you had a good relationship last week, last month, last year then you are more likely to continue sailing smoothly on course. The longer your relationship has had a consistent pattern in the past, the more likely your relationship will have it in the future. On and off feelings, fighting, bickering and making up may seem romantic and funny on the screen but gets very wearing in real life!

5.How does the relationship affect your personality? Infatuation has a disorganizing and destructive effect on your life. Immature love is often irresponsible and fails to consider the future consequences of today's actions! If you let yourself get so involved with someone that nothing matters except your romance you could be headed for serious trouble! You are also in danger of the "Least Interested Member" syndrome. In a one-sided romance the partner who has the least interest in continuing the affair is able to control the other person by the underlying threat of breaking off the relationship. Often this leads to compromising your standards sexually and spiritually to keep the other person interested. If you loved me you would... fill in the blank ... is a characteristic line in this syndrome. Infatuation dodges responsibility while true love is responsible and assumes the consequences of mutual actions. True love has a positive overall energizing effect on your personality. You want to be a better person, Christian, student, worker, etc. True love does not pressure or manipulate someone to have sex or push the limits. True love plays by the rules of good conduct and respects commonsense! (example; calling home, obeying family curfews, honestly going where you told your parents you would, etc.)

6.How do you see each other? Infatuation tends to idealize the other person and relationship. Your beloved can do no wrong and you do not listen to anyone pointing out potential problems or faults in the relationship. You are defensive and touchy over any criticism. You live in a one person world and tend to neglect your family and friends. Your world becomes narrower and more exclusive. On the other hand, true love expands your world to include the beloved. You don't abandon your friends, family, and work instead you add this wonderful new relationship to all the others you have. It becomes a plus. If romantic love is blind, deaf and dumb then true love has commonsense vision, listening ears and a receptive attitude. You admit that neither your beloved nor your relationship is perfect. You see their/your faults and can receive constructive advise about your relationship. You love and accept each other in spite of your imperfections while maintaining a reasonable picture of your beloved and your relationship. Self-disclosure is very important in love. You cannot truly love someone you do not know. Honesty is key to true love. If you can not be yourself around your boyfriend or girlfriend then your relationship will not stand the test of time. Time again is the great revealer and healer!

7. What do others think about your relationship? It is very important how your family and friends feel about your relationship. Your family will want the best for you and can more clearly see the danger signals than either of you can. If you are merely infatuated few or none of your family or friends are comfortable with or approve of the relationship. Also, you usually will dislike each other's friends and family. In true love, most of your friends and family approve of and are positive about your relationship. You like each other's family and friends. You enjoy being with this person in the company of your family and friends. Divorced persons usually complain that they had no mutual friends or had very little in common with their former mate's friends. Divorced persons usually did not get along with their in-laws.

8. What effect does separation or distance have on the relationship? Studies show that engaged couples are more likely to break up if separated. A romantic infatuation mainly is dependent on the five senses, what you can see, hear, touch, smell and taste. It won't last long unless it gets nourished by a lot of face to face contact. After separation, infatuation loses interest and dies out with distance. The old saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder but with infatuation, distance makes the heart grow fonder of someone else!!! True love survives separation and may even grow stronger! Why? True love is attracted to the total person not just the physical and sensual side of the relationship. When your beloved is gone, something vital is missing in your life, a part of you is missing. You realize how much the relationship means to you. If your relationship survives a substantial separation, it might be the real thing, love!

9. How do fights affect the relationship? You have to ask yourself how often and how severe are your arguments and how do the quarrels effect each of you? Quarrels and bickering will kill an infatuation because you have less real things in common to positively overcome disagreements. In fact, if you are infatuated the fighting will become more frequent and more severe. You simply have too weak of a foundation to support and sustain a long term relationship. Eventually, one or both parties decide it is not worth the hassle and you break up. If a couple breaks up and gets back together more than once during engagement they are at a very high risk for separation or divorce after marrying. If you break up, you need to wake up!!!

10. How do you think about and refer to your relationship? This clue can show you how you sub-consciously think about the relationship. You might need an honest friend to help you with this one. When infatuated you use the words I, me, my, he/she, him/her, his/hers regularly when referring to the relationship and rarely use words like we, us and our. You think of yourself as a separate individual and think about your relationship mostly from an individual viewpoint. In true love you tend to use the words we, us, and our regularly when referring to what happens to you and to your relationship. It just seems natural, you don't even think about it! Have a friend listen to you for a couple of days and they can let you know what words you use about yourself and your special friend. In love, the couple gives up much of their separate selves, yet by doing so each becomes even more fulfilled as an individual self. As they become a "we", each is at once a more fulfilled "I". Real love is happiest when "we" do things together!

11. Are you selfish or selfless? What is your ego response to the relationship? Clues 11 and 12 very important. They deal with whether a couple is self-centered or other-centered. They deal with the basic core attitude that each person displays toward the other. These elements will be crucial to the success or failure of any marriage. Selfish self-centered people make poor marriage partners unless that person is willing to undergo serious spiritual self-improvement! During infatuation, your ego response to the other person is mainly selfish and restrictive. You are offended and easily annoyed if your partner pays attention to someone else or wants to do something differing from your taste. Your primary interest in the relationship is what it does for you and how it make you feel and appear. Your key concern is that your needs and wants are fulfilled even at the expense of the other person. Another earmark is wanting to remake your partner to suit yourself and your ideals. You are not content to let the other person just be themselves. You want to change their appearance, dress, hobbies, personality and interest to suit yourself. Sexual pressure is another self-centered trait that yells loud and clear, "I want what I want now and who cares what it does to you or us!" In love your ego response tends to be other -centered and outgoing. You care as much about what is good for the other as for yourself. You do not want to control your partners interest and personality. You do not maintain a stranglehold on their attention or activities. You appreciate his/her uniqueness and look out for ways to further complement your relationship together. You encourage your partner to grow personally and spiritually.

12. Are you a giver or a taker personally in the relationship? Infatuation's attitude is mainly one of taking from the relationship and looking out for number one. Love's role is one of mainly giving to the relationship and putting your partner first. One of the biggest secrets of life is that a higher fulfillment of self comes as a result of committing yourself to something higher and greater than the self. Luke 17:33. This is the paradox to finding true love and happiness in life. If you want an overall rule of thumb to distinguish real love from romantic infatuation it is this. If you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy, even if you are not the one to make him or her happy, then you really love that person. If you love someone, you want that person to be happy even if you can't be the one who shares that happiness.

13. Are you jealous? Jealousy is common to both infatuation and love. Everyone feels jealous twinges sometimes but the infatuated person many times has an overbearing attitude of jealousy and suspicion. naively, you may hear someone saying that they know their boyfriend or girlfriend really loves them because they are so jealous about them. Do not be fooled. Jealousy is neither a fruit of the Spirit nor an indication of true love. In infatuation you are insecure in your relationship so feel threatened if your boyfriend or girlfriend notices, talks to or sits by someone other than you. You will accuse them of flirting or unfaithfulness unjustly. You resort to jealous rages to control the other person's activities or friendships. Violence is sometimes used at the peak of a jealous rage. Another frequent trait is the jealous person usually blames the other person for their outburst. "If you hadn't done, worn, said such and such then I wouldn't have been jealous or angry." In true love you are pleased that your friends like your partner. You are happy when your boyfriend or girlfriend is complimented, honored or noticed by others. You do not feel jealous of their successes. You do not feel an overbearing need to compete with your partner. You wouldn't dream of physically trying to control your partner by violence or threats of violence.

14. When do you see yourself marrying? At what age? When educationally? vocationally and financially? I am not saying that you will not marry your childhood sweetheart or the boy next door. In fact they very well may be excellent choices as you both have shared many of the same life experiences and should know each other in depth very well. BUT to think that a hot romance at 14 will stand the test of time and tribulations of the teen years is highly unlikely. Love is a choice not just an emotion. There is a right time for love and courtship and the early teen years are rarely ever the right time in today's society. Spend your teen years becoming the right person so when it is the right time and God brings the right person into your life you will be ready, right on time! The right time will have a lot to do with your vocational calling. If you are called to medical service you very well may be facing 8 or more years of schooling and training. Should you practical get married before you are finished with your training? You will have to honestly consider all the factors personally, spiritually and practically before deciding to become seriously involved with someone. If you see yourself married at 22 then 19 or 20 would probably be a good time to start courting someone seriously. Most people can not remain sexually pure for over 2 years so go slow on expressing physical affection and set your boundaries. The heady mixture of infatuation and premarital sex can fool you into a poor marriage before you are emotionally, spiritually or practically prepared for such a lifetime commitment.

15. Last but not least, how and when did a relationship end? Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and you can only apply this hint after a relationship has ended but we live and learn. Infatuation usually ends quickly while love stops slowly. Now if you were sexually intimate an infatuation can drag on for quite a while but it never matures. You can not successfully base a relationship on sex. Infatuation ends quickly because you had few things in common and seldom felt like a unit. It was mostly based on sensual and physical factors. Love ends slowly because you had many things in common. You had felt and acted like a unit. Your present and future were intertwined with this person. It takes time and perspective to heal a broken heart.

-08/11/01