True Love or Infatuation

by Wendi

Dear Wendi,
Four months ago I started seeing a young man from church. He is a committed Christian and a youth leader. Our relationship developed very fast; I felt that he honored me in every way and I loved him deeply. We had discussed marriage and agreed that this would likely be God�s will for us down the road. We were working on getting out of financial debt.

A week and a half ago he told me he needed to break off our relationship, but he wanted to remain friends. He wasn�t sure he wanted to give up being single. I felt totally crushed; this was so unexpected. He had told me he loved me and intended to marry me someday, and now he was suddenly walking away.

Since the breakup he has avoided me totally. I walk in a room and he walks out or to the other end. Last night I called him. He apologized for avoiding me, saying it hurt him too much to see me hurting. He also gave me further explanation for the breakup.

I was aware when we started our relationship that he had a past pornography addiction and had been in lustful relationships, but never a serious relationship. His reason for breaking up was he did not feel he was honoring me when he would admire other women. He said that he felt his attraction for me was wrong and maybe he did not love me beyond the physical. Basically he left because he is scared. He is twenty-nine. I am twenty-one.

I am struggling with a lot of anger now because after telling me he loved me he is telling me maybe it wasn�t true. I am crushed. Do you have any observations or advice that may be helpful? I am not ready to give up on our relationship, but maybe I should.
-Kristy

Dear Kristy,
First, there is a lot of confusion concerning �love.� Is it love, romantic infatuation, or sexual attraction? So often we confuse the classic Hollywood portrayal of love for true love. The one important thing to remember about true love is that it happens over time, a long time. You probably haven�t had a long enough relationship with this person to be able to determine if you are or were really in love. The start of true love is like a tiny tree seed. It doesn�t look like much but over time can grow into a mighty oak. Having loving feelings for someone is very normal, but you need to give these seeds of love to God. Let Him decide whether to plant, water, and nurture these feelings.

You probably made the classic feminine mistake of sharing too much too soon about your life, feelings, and dreams. True love is not a funny fluttery feeling that just magically happens when you first meet or see someone. So often we project our romantic fantasies of Mr. Right onto an attractive person and situation when in reality we do not �know� very much about the person! That is romantic infatuation. Beware, we ladies are incurable romantics. If a guy takes us out over three times, we can find ourselves doodling his last name after our name. So many of us have already planned our weddings and named our children before we have entered high school. Romantic fantasies are like green-broke horses; if you give them the reins, they will run away on you! If infatuation is like a fast feverish blaze, then true love is more like slow-burning embers.

True lovers have many things that attract them to each other and many common interests. They have a loyal friendship that has slowly grown over time! Most of your friends and family approve and support the relationship. True love is not overly jealous or self-centered. True love enlarges your world, interests, and circle of friends. True love makes you want to become a better student, employee, and family member. True love is also responsible sexually and considers consequences before acting. Physical attraction is only one of several factors in true love. If what attracts you or him is mostly based on the five senses, then it will not stand the test of time. I can recommend Dr. Ray E. Short�s book Sex, Love, or Infatuation: How Can I Really Know? for a detailed discussion on how to know the difference.

Beware of a person who just keeps you hanging on emotionally. He is not your true love. True lovers have a mutual emotionally reciprocating relationship. Your feelings for each other will be relatively consistent and similar. True love cannot be one-sided. If you break up you need to wake up. It is difficult to remain friends after a romance ends. It might be better to let the other person go emotionally and keep a healthy distance until you can look at the relationship with godly perspective.

Reading is one of my favorite pasttimes. Many years ago I read The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. She tells many stories of her childhood and early adult years. I would like to share her story about her first and only romance.

Corrie had an older brother, Willem. While Willem was a seminary student, Corrie met his friend Karel. Though Corrie only saw him a few times, he made quite an impression on her young heart. Her romantic dreams grew around Karel, especially after her brother�s wedding when Karel escorted her into the church. After her brother�s graduation and marriage, Corrie and her family visited Willem and Tine (his new wife) on the occasion of his all-important first sermon as a senior pastor. Karel, who was an associate pastor in a nearby town, was a daily visitor. He and Corrie would spend hours together walking and talking of their dreams for the future. Of course, Corrie always saw herself with him in her future. They talked of how large a family they wanted and planned a home. Their preferences and goals seemed compatible.

One afternoon Willem and Tine asked Corrie if Karel had ever led her to believe that he was seriously contemplating marrying her. They went on to explain that Karel�s family had planned on one thing since he was very young and that was for Karel to marry into a wealthy influential family. Willem told Corrie that Karel would obey his parent�s wishes, even though Karel did not like them. Since Corrie and Willem were from a struggling watchmaker�s family, Willem emphasized that Karel would never marry her. Corrie�s heart rebelled against her brother�s warning and believed �love� would conquer any family obstacles between Karel and her. When Karel left Willem�s house, he begged Corrie to write often about her family in Harlem, saying, �it�s the happiest home in Holland!�

Corrie did write often to Karel, still hoping that he would declare his intention of marrying her despite his family�s plans. Then one day, unexpectedly, Karel showed up at the door with a very well-dressed young woman on his arm. He introduced her as his fiance. The evening became a blur for Corrie, and her family stepped in to entertain Karel and his fiance. After the guests had left, Corrie retreated to her room to have a long cry. Corrie�s father entered her room and asked her, �Do you know what hurts so very much? It�s love . . . when it is blocked that means pain.�

He went on to explain that there are two ways to deal with this situation. You can kill the love to stop the pain but then you lose a part of yourself, or you can ask God to open another way to express and feel love for a person. Whenever you cannot love in the romantic human way, you can ask God for His love for someone.

That night Corrie gave her romantic feelings for Karel to God without killing the sense of joy and wonder that were awakened by her friendship with Karel. Corrie prayed, �Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future-oh, You know! Everything! Give me your way of seeing Karel instead.�

Remember, when life closes a door God opens a window. Trust God with your heart and guard it closely. If the door closes for a serious romantic relationship with this person, then ask God to give you His love for him.

-08/11/01

This article first appeared in Cornerstone Magazine, Issue No. 121.